To support your own peace and well being you have the right to set personal boundaries that define what others cannot do to you or around you. These boundaries are like invisible lines you draw around yourself to protect you from the damaging behaviors of others, and only allow the behaviors of others that are nourishing to you. You are the one that gets to decide what boundaries are appropriate. For example, you might decide to set a boundary that says:

• No one is allowed to hit me, at any time, or for any reason.
  
  
• No one is allowed to damage my health by smoking in my presence.
  
  
• No one is allowed to make disparaging remarks to me, even if they are disguised as jokes.

Once you have decided what personal boundaries you want to establish, you need to communicate them to others. You want to make sure to explain both what your boundaries are and how best to honor them. Try setting your boundaries by using the words, "I ask that...", followed by a description of what you want to have happen. Here are two examples. "I am concerned about my health and ask that you not smoke in my house. If you wish to smoke I would appreciate it if you would step outside." As another example, "When you make jokes about my weight it hurts my feelings. I ask that you not make any further jokes about my physical appearance or my weight."

The first time you state your boundaries you may not be taken seriously, especially if the behavior you are trying to protect yourself from is one that you have tolerated in the past. Even those who truly love and care about you may violate your newly-set boundaries when acting out of habit, in a desire to "test the limits" of your new resolve, or because they do not clearly understand how important your boundaries are to you. You need a direct, but gracious, way to handle such boundary violations.

Boundary violations will also occur because there will be many individuals you come into contact with who have never heard about your boundaries. For these situations as well it is important to have a simple process to stop any violations and clearly state what you need.

1. "Inform" them of what they are doing (i.e., how they are violating your boundary): "Do you realize that you are yelling at me?"
   
   
2. Request that they stop: "I ask that you stop yelling at me now."
   
   
3. Add some instruction as to how they can respect your boundary: "I ask that you speak to me in a conversational tone."
   
   
4. Thank them for their cooperation: "Thank you for respecting my wishes."
   
   The trick to making this process work is to say all of these things using a neutral tone of voice. Think of saying all of these things with the same lack of emotion that you would say, "The sky is blue." Often, by the time you have reached Step 4, the person will realize what they are doing and stop the offending behavior. If they don't, then move on to Step 5.
   
   
5. Demand or insist that they stop: "I insist that you stop yelling at me now."
   
   Remember to continue speaking in a neutral tone of voice. If at this point the person still has not stopped the behavior then you move on to the last step, Step 6.
   
   
6. Leave. In some situations (for example, when you are in your own home or office) it may be more appropriate for you to ask the other person to leave.

Again you want to take this step accompanied by words spoken in a neutral tone of voice. For example you might say, "I can't continue this conversation while you are yelling at me. I am going to leave the room."

This same six-step process, delivered with a neutral tone of voice, can be used any time someone crosses one of your personal boundaries. For example when:

• Someone interrupts you while you are speaking
  
  
• Someone speaks to you in a way that you find offensive
  
  
• Other people take credit for your ideas
  
  
• Your family is late coming to the dinner table

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 Copyright 2003 Jane A. Herman. All rights reserved.
Jane Herman, http://www.PersonalAndBusinessSuccess.com