"Uh huh." "Yeah." "I hear you!" We use these expressions all the time when others are talking to us, to let them know we're listening. But are we truly paying attention? Are we really "getting" the person who is speaking? Are we listening for who they are and how they feel as well as what they are saying? Are we listening for what is not said as well as what is said?

Don't underestimate the gift you give someone when you give him or her your focused attention. We all need to be "heard" and to be "gotten." For true communication to occur it requires more than just two or more people talking (i.e., self expression) - it requires mutual listening, hearing and understanding. You can learn to communicate on a deeper level if you master the key skill of listening fully, and you can also learn how to help others fully listen to you.

There are three steps to becoming an expert listener:

• Learn how to listen
  
  
• Learn what to pay attention to or listen for
  
  
• Learn how to identify and limit what gets in the way of your ability to hear and understand

There is also one key step you can take to help others to listen more fully to what you have to say.

Learn How to Listen

1. Stop Talking!
The first step to listening is to stop talking. It is hard to listen and speak at the same time! There is a great acronym I keep posted on my computer. It says: "WAIT" and stands for "Why Am I Talking?" Next time you find yourself hogging the floor in a conversation ask yourself, "Why?" Make sure you give the other person the time and the space to talk. It is said that nature gave us two ears and only one mouth as a gentle reminder that we should listen twice as much as we talk.

2. Be Centered
When you listen to others, listen from a state of internal quietness or centeredness. Be open to hear what the other person has to say without feeling that you need to lead the conversation, and without attachment to the outcome. Leave your own personal agenda out of it.

3. Remove distractions
Give the speaker your full attention and let them know they have it. Turn off the TV, close the door, stop reading your e-mail or cleaning your desk. Focus on the activity at hand - listening fully.

4. Show the other person that you want to hear them and understand what they have to say
Look at them. Ask them to explain further if you don't understand. Ask them to clarify, to say more, or give an example. It will help them speak more precisely and it will help you hear and understand more accurately. Listen to the speaker and to their words, rather than just listening for your turn to speak.

5. Be patient
Some people take longer to find the right word, to make a point or clarify an issue. Give them the time and space to get it all out before you jump in with your reply.

6. Watch out for your own emotions
If you feel an emotional response to what you are hearing, try hard to pay extra careful attention. If you become angry, frightened, or upset by what you are hearing you may miss critical parts of what is being said.

7. Give the other person encouragement to continue
Show them you are interested in what they are saying. Ask a meaningful question or provide a meaningful response where one is called for. In other words, keep up your side of the interchange. Mirror back to the speaker what you think they said, so they can hear it from a different perspective. This will show that you are listening and will help clarify any misperceptions that may have been created. Give affirming responses to let the speaker know you are listening and when you agree (e.g., nod or say "Uh huh," "Ummm," or "I agree"). Especially if you are communicating on the phone, this will help assure the speaker that you are still there and listening attentively, and that you have not fallen asleep!

8. Let the other person know that you think what they have to say is important
Don't interrupt - it implies that you think what you have to say is more important than what they have to say. Also, be aware that others can usually sense when you can't wait for them to finish so you can start talking! Don't keep bringing the conversation back to yourself.

9. Listen intuitively
Listen for the spirit of the conversation, not just the words. Listen for what is not being said as well as for what is being said. Pay attention to what you are feeling as you are listening. Do you sense that something does not ring true or that the verbal and non-verbal messages you are receiving are out of sync? Bring it up and ask for clarification.

10. Don't get hung up on the speaker's delivery
Some people are simply not good speakers. They may be unable to find the right words to express themselves, have an irritating voice, or be awkward in their presentation. Try to get beyond the manner of delivery to the underlying message.

11. Be alert to your own prejudices
Often we are unaware how strongly our prejudices influence our willingness and ability to hear. The fact is that any prejudice, valid or not, tends to obscure the message. Keep asking yourself, "Is this my own judgment or interpretation, or is this what I am really hearing from the other person?"

12. Be aware of your own filters
We all filter what we hear. We tend to look for information that supports our pre-conceived notions or beliefs and ignore ideas or concepts that don't fit with who we are or what we believe. Prejudices and filters are related but not synonymous. Prejudices usually are related to attitudes or beliefs that we have about others; filters have more to do with what we believe about ourselves and the world we live in. Filters are used to support and protect our Self. To truly listen to others we need to get our Self out of the way.

Learn What to Pay Attention To or Listen For

1. Listen for the whole message
Listen for what is said both verbally and non-verbally. Try to "hear" beyond the words. Pay attention to the non-verbal cues you receive! Much of the communication we receive from others is non-verbal. Beyond the words you hear are a variety of other clues as to what the speaker is communicating:

• Posture and gestures (Rigid or relaxed? Open or closed?)
  
  
• Facial expression
  
  
• Eyes (Does the speaker maintain eye contact?)
  
  
• Tone of voice (affect, emotion)
  
  
• Breathing rate
  
  
• Verbal pacing and pauses

Also, listen for what is not said - topics the other person sidesteps or avoids all together. This can alert you to areas of sensitivity that may require a different communication style or approach on your part.

2. Listen for what is needed right now
Listen for what is the person telling you, either directly or indirectly, that they need from you right at this moment. Is it moral support, validation, a suggestion, love, help to develop an approach or strategy, or just to "be there" and listen?

3. Listen for inconsistencies between the verbal and non-verbal messages you receive
Does the facial expression or tone of voice of the person you are communicating with match the verbal message they are putting across? If not, ask yourself, or the other person, "Why?" Because we intuitively understand that most non-verbal communication is unconscious, most of us, when we perceive a disconnect between the verbal and non-verbal signals we receive from others, will believe the non-verbal message. You can use your sensitivity to inconsistencies between verbal and non-verbal messages to help fine tune your listening abilities.

4. Listen for what the speaker's message is telling you about their current situation
If you listen carefully, you may hear any or all of the following in what the speaker is saying:

• What is in their way
  
  
• What is most important to them
  
  
• What assumptions (false or otherwise) are they making

Often, you can get a feel for how aware speakers are of themselves and their environment by how explicitly or implicitly these messages come across.

5. Listen at a very deep level
Listen not just for what the other person is saying, but who they are "being" in the conversation. Listen for their stated or un-stated needs (e.g., to be accepted, loved, or to be right) and their values (e.g., honesty, integrity). Listen for their emotional state (e.g., fear, anger, disturbed, tired, sad). Listen to the tone of their voice (flat? tense?). Listen for their emotions - do they raise their voice or get very quiet? During a conversation, people tend to switch to expressing emotional reactions when they can't find the language to articulate their concerns. When they run out of words, they REACT to release the tension/anger. Listen also for their attitudes (where they are coming from).

6. Listen for recurring concerns and patterns
If you have an on-going or close relationship with the speaker, you may be able to hear recurring themes in what they say. It is said that even in the same conversation, if you listen very carefully, a person will repeat at least two or three times the points/issues/concerns that are most important to them.

Learn How to Identify and Limit What Gets in the Way of Your Ability to Hear

We all tend to listen for the things that come naturally to us. Unless we actively work at it, few of us use all of the listening skills discussed above. To become a skilled listener you must consciously be aware of, and work to reduce the effect of:

• Your own prejudices
  
  
• Your own filters
  
  
• Distractions
  
  
• Your attachment to the outcome or implications of the conversation
  
  
• Your ego

...and you must practice the positive listening skills described above.

Help Others to Listen Fully to YOU

The number one reason why people don't listen is that they have not finished speaking. If you interrupt or try to compete with someone who is speaking, they will not be able to listen to you because they will be thinking about what they were trying to say or wanting to say. Therefore, if you want to make sure someone will fully hear you, make sure they have finished speaking before you start to talk. This is not quite as simple and obvious as it sounds. Much of the time, even when someone has stopped speaking, they haven't finished their thoughts. If you are quiet and give them time, you will often find that they will start up again. A gentle way to give the other person the space to finish is to ask them outright, "Is there anything else?" and then again be silent. When they are truly done they will let you know. And then they will be ready to listen to YOU!

Listening - A Summary

Being able to communicate with other people is a gift and an opportunity. It gives the other person the gift of being heard, understood, and validated (even if you disagree with them), and it gives you the opportunity to grow and to learn, both about the other person and about yourself. Enjoy this gift and learn to perfect it!

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 Copyright 2003 Jane A. Herman. All rights reserved.
Jane Herman, http://www.PersonalAndBusinessSuccess.com