Communication is the vehicle by which we create and maintain all of our human relationships. If we speak the truth when we talk or write to others, then these relationships can be deep and honest. But there are many reasons we may not always choose to tell the truth in a given situation. Let's take a look at some of these reasons and what they cost us, and then explore some ways to tell the truth more easily and consistently.

What is "the Truth"?

The "truth" is personal - it is what is so for you. "Truth" is not synonymous with "reality" or "facts." As eloquently put by Anas Nin, "We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are."

"The Truth" is our own perception of reality, our own story of ourselves and the world. It is colored by our nature, experiences, perceptions and interpretations. What is true for us may not be provable in the traditional sense, but to a considerable extent it defines us and how we think and interact.

When you speak the truth to someone, you share yourself with them in a very deep way. In sharing your truth, you tell them who you are and what you really think.

But there are many reasons we might not always tell the truth.

Reasons You Might Not Tell the Truth:

1. You don't know the truth yourself

You cannot share your truth if you are not aware of it. Many times we don't know the truth of a situation simply because we have not asked ourselves, or examined, what we believe. And sometimes we don't access our own truth because we would rather not know the answer!

Telling the truth requires awareness. One method (suggested by Thomas Leonard) for becoming more aware of your own truth is to "Reduce or eliminate anything that clouds or numbs your ability to recognize truth as it emerges" (e.g., adrenaline, stress, excessive busyness, mind-altering drugs or alcohol, addictions, etc.). Another way is to consciously ask yourself what you believe to be true in each situation, and be willing to challenge yourself and your beliefs.

2. You fear the consequences

Sometimes when you tell the truth there are potentially significant consequences either for yourself or others. You may find it easier to tell the truth only when it is non-threatening. But what is the hidden cost? When avoidance of consequences becomes paramount, we end up telling the truth only when it's convenient and carry around with us an uncomfortable inventory of past censorships and un-communicated thoughts and feelings. Here are two ways you can allow yourself the luxury of being able to tell the truth:

• Increase your Personal Standards and become a person who puts truth ahead of other priorities (e.g., goals, objectives, needs).
  
  
• Reduce the risks associated with telling the truth by building reserves in all areas of your life (e.g., time, space, money, friends, etc.) so that you can afford the consequences of the truth.

3. You think the other person will not hear, or be able to handle, the truth

You can control how you speak your truth, but you cannot control how someone else hears, interprets, or reacts to it. In trying to protect or shield another from the truth you are in effect diminishing them - restricting their access to important information and downplaying their potential for resiliency. If you speak the truth with compassion and let the other person know you are coming from a place of wanting only the best for them, chances are they will be able to take what you are saying in a positive way and draw upon their own internal resources to react appropriately. Don't underestimate them. Show your belief in their ability to handle it. Offer them the gift of your truth and give them the opportunity to surprise and delight you with their response.

4. You don't want the other person to tell you their truth

Sometimes you just don't want to ruin a perfectly good, but superficial, relationship by starting to tell the truth. After all, if you tell your truth, it is only equitable that you allow the other person to tell theirs. And what are the risks to that?

• The other person might say something that conflicts with your view of the world
  
  
• The other person might criticize you or what you do
  
  
• You risk deepening the relationship by telling the truth

So how can you overcome your fear of hearing another person's truth?

• Recognize that each person has their own truth, and approach their truth with curiosity instead of fear. Realize their truth need not invalidate your truth.
  
  
• Learn to hear criticism not as something to be avoided but as instruction on what it takes to win!
  
  
• Recognize that if you deepen the relationship you will be free to be who you really are without pretense and without expending energy to keep up your facade and walls. In a deep and honest relationship you can clearly state what it is you need, and your requirements are more likely to be heard and met by the other person.

The Bottom Line

Telling the truth requires skills and awareness; awareness to know your own truth, and the communication skills to express it in a way that touches another - not with brashness and brutality but with compassion, kindness, and subtlety.